


I'm Naked and I'm Far From Home

by I_write_instead_of_sleeping (orphan_account)



Series: Dumpster Fire of Queen angst [6]
Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Queen (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Coming Out, Crying, Emetophobes I'm sorry, Gay, Gay Roger Taylor, Guilt, Homophobia, M/M, Men Crying, Panic Attacks, Period-Typical Homophobia, Sickfic, The boys are good bros, The boys help Roggie, Vomiting, gay freddie mercury, well kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-26
Updated: 2019-04-19
Packaged: 2019-12-18 04:16:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18242216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/I_write_instead_of_sleeping
Summary: He figured he could ignore it. And lie about it. But Roger was never really good at lying. He lied to himself, his parents, and his bandmates, his best friends. And somehow, somewhere in between, he managed to be so straight, that he was a womanizer.He was wrong. He made himself sick.*********************************AKA: Roger has a secret. A secret that he hasn't told anyone. In Roger's mindset, not telling someone something is lying to someone. He feels guilty. Very, very guilty.**EMETOPHOBES PLEASE DO NOT READ**





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello lovelies!! I'M SORRY I TOLD YOU GUYS BRIAN AND FREDDIE FICS ARE COMING BUT ITS BEEN A WEEK SINCE I'VE POSTED ANYTHING AND THIS WAS IN MY DOCS I KNOW ITS ANOTHER ROGGIE FIC IM SORRRRYYYY
> 
> Well, now that that's over with, I hope you enjoy this fic!
> 
> **Brief use of homophobic language and depictions of vomiting. If these topics bother you, you might not want to read this!!**
> 
> **Title taken from Queen's Save Me**

Roger hovered over the toilet, his long hair swaying loosely as the drummer swallowed thickly, feeling his eyes start to water at the added pressure. 

 

He couldn’t take it. All those thoughts, all those  _ feelings _ that all his life, he was trained not to feel. That he was trained to push away. So of course, he did. He pushed them away until he didn’t know who he was. 

 

That is, until he met Freddie. 

 

He’s not saying that he’s in love with him, it was just the overwhelming feeling of confidence, self belonging he got when he was around him. It was contagious. And just like that, the thoughts he thought he’d never encounter again came right back. 

 

And he couldn’t take the sickening guilt that came with it. He just wanted to escape his own head. 

 

Of course, he must’ve known deep down all his life that he liked men. But everyone knew him as the straight guy. Hell, even  _ he _ knew himself as the straight guy. But that was before Queen got famous and went on tour, where he was exposed to so many different people, different things. He loved and hated it at the same time. 

 

He didn’t want to see the disappointed look on his parents faces, knowing that he’ll never bring home a wife. He didn’t want to see the surprised looks on his bandmates faces. And the  _ press. _ Oh  _ god _ , the press. The rumors, the devilish stories and scandals that would come out would be endless. It was all too much.

 

He figured he could ignore it. And lie about it. But Roger was never really good at lying. He lied to his bandmates, his _best_ _friends._ And somehow, somewhere in between, he managed to be so straight, that he was a womanizer.

 

He gagged, lurching forward and coughing as nothing came up. Guilt always made him feel sick. This time  _ literally.  _

 

He gagged harshly again, gasping for breath as he felt the familiar sting of bile at the back of his throat. Another retch brought up his dinner, and soon he was heaving forcefully, gasping loudly as his stomach convulsed, not stopping until he was done. It was  _ loud. _

 

_ Too _ loud apparently, it proved to be so as Roger felt someone lift up his shaggy blonde hair as he emptied the contents of his stomach, and another firm hand rubbing soothingly up and down his back as he choked and coughed. 

 

He felt tears sting that back of his eyes as he heard a familiar voice whisper, “It’s alright, darling..”

 

He hiccuped as another wave of nausea overtook him, and soon his head was ducked back into the toilet. He whined softly as tears began pooling at the edges of his eyes, threatening to overflow. 

 

“Oh, dear...shhh shhh darling...it’s alright...just let it out, dear…” He heard Freddie’s warm voice whisper, rubbing his back. 

 

After the second wave was done, he gasped, breathing heavily and leaning his head back into Freddie’s lap, who was now kneeling on the floor. Freddie cooed in sympathy as Roger let out a loud sob, his black hair swaying and jewelry jangling on his wrists as the singer’s free hand stroked the blonde’s forehead. 

 

“Ohh, my poor honey…” he said softly, running a hand through his hair, cold with sweat, “just breathe, love…” 

 

A soft knock on the bathroom door had Roger lifting his head up slightly. 

 

“Fred, Rog, is everything alright in there? You sort of just left during the movie, and Fred went to check in on you and it’s been awhile so we were--” He immediately recognized the voice as Deaky’s. Him and Brian walked in, John cutting his sentence short as they stopped abruptly and observed the two men on the floor. 

 

They put two and two together, and Brian gasped an, “Oh..oh,  _ Roger...shit _ ..”

 

He spoke gently, eyes flickering with worry, and John inhaled through his teeth. 

 

“It seems that Roger isn’t feeling very well..” Freddie cooed, letting Roger’s head rest on his chest. Tears were streaming down his soft face, his bottom lip quivering.

 

“Oh, so your stomach’s upset, then?” Brian asked softly, crouching down and putting a hand on his forehead, “you don’t seem warm. Could just be a 24 hour bug, then.”

 

Roger felt himself battle another wave of nausea.  _ They’re worried. I’m lying to them. I’m a liar. I’m a terrible person.  _

 

He shot up, gagging again as the last bit of bile came up. Freddie flushed the toilet and wiped his mouth off, and Brian kneeled next to them, sympathy coming off the both of them in waves. 

 

“Fred, Bri, why don’t you get him cleaned up and I’ll go get him some fresh clothes and medicine?” Deaky offered, leaving the bathroom as the other two nodded. 

 

Brian started the shower and Freddie got out Roger’s toothbrush, helping him up and taking off his rings, leaving him to undress and shower himself, telling him they’d be right outside when if he needed them.

 

Once Roger was finished, he put on a towel and brushed his teeth again. He was about to open the door when he hesitated, hearing the muffled speech of his bandmates from the other side of the door. He strained his ear to listen, but before he could hear anything, they halted and opened the door to the bathroom. 

 

“Roger, dear, you’re finished! How are you feeling?” Freddie asked, putting an arm around the drummer. Roger shrugged, looking at the ground. 

 

“Come on, Rog. We’ve got some clothes for you. It’s about time we go to bed, anyway.” Brian said as John disappeared into the kitchen. 

 

“Why didn’t you tell us you were feeling sick?” Brian inquired, gently guiding the man into his room and flipping the lights off.

 

_ Because I’m something that I shouldn’t be and I feel guilty for not telling you,  _ Roger wanted to say, but a shiver down his spine and a familiar feeling of dread overtook him and made him stay silent.

 

They placed him in the cozy bed and Freddie slipped in next to him as Brian sat at the edge of the bed. Roger sniffled as he wiped away the rest of his tears and snuggled closer into Freddie, his head burying into the crook of his neck. 

 

“Roggie, I have some stuff for you..” John said softly, and Brian nodded in thanks. Roger felt someone tap his shoulder and he lifted his head up to Brian giving him a couple of Tums. He sniffled in acknowledgement and popped them in his mouth. 

 

“Still feel nauseous?” Brian asked, and Roger didn’t know how to answer. It seemed that ever since he realized that he was something he didn’t have the courage to be, he always felt sick, everytime those thoughts drifted into his head. 

 

So he didn’t say anything. 

 

“I’m gonna grab you some mouthwash from the store, in case you need it later” John offered, getting up from his spot on the bed and grabbing his wallet. Brian went with him to get some ginger ale and more Tums. 

 

Once the two went out the door, that left Freddie and Roger lying in the bed, Freddie possessively cradling Roger like he was made of glass.

 

“Darling. I know when something is going on with you, because you always get sick. This could just be a bug, or…” Freddie paused, “Or if you have anything you need to get off your chest, you can talk to me.”

 

Roger looked up in surprise. He  _ did _ . He  _ did _ have something to say. A guilting secret. 

 

“N-no, Fred. There’s isn’t anything…” he said, swallowing thickly. The ache in his stomach grew stronger. Freddie didn’t seem that convinced, but nodded anyway, brushing back the man’s blonde bangs and smiling reassuringly.

 

He pain grew even stronger as John and Brian came back from the store, smiling reassuringly. And although Brian sat with him and rubbed his chest and back slowly, the feeling didn’t go away.

 

But somehow, he found a way to fall asleep.

  
  


******************

 

_ “You can’t be gay! That’s not right!”  His sister.  _

 

_ “Faggots aren’t allowed in this family.” His father. _

 

_ “Homosexuality is a bad influence.” The press.  _

 

_ “You’re...gay?” The band.  _

 

_ Everyone--no--no one can know. No can know that I’m-- _

 

_ “Gay--gay--gay--gay--” _

 

_ “Liar--liar--liar--liar--” _

 

**_Liar_ ** _.  _

 

_ ******************** _

 

Roger shot up from his bed, tripping over himself and his bandmates to get himself to the bathroom, his stomach writhing with guilt. Getting there, he breathed heavily and hot tears reformed on his face as he dry-heaved forcefully, his entire body convulsing. 

 

“Oh, shit, Roger…” He recognized the voice as Brian’s, and he let the curly man kneel beside him, running comforting hands through his blonde locks. Nothing came back up, not like there was anything in him but Tums, ginger ale, and water. But Roger couldn’t help but whimper as Brian enveloped him in a hug from behind. 

 

“Think anything’s gonna come back up?” he asked. Roger shook his head, leaning into Brian’s embrace. 

 

“Awful stomach bug you got, huh?” Brian chuckled and Roger nodded. Of only Brian knew. 

 

“It’s 2am, we should get back to sleep. We all kind of fell asleep in your bed...sorry” Brian laughed, helping the blonde up. Roger didn’t mind. He wanted  _ so, so,  _ much to tell Brian his secret. He wanted to tell Brian more than anyone. But he couldn’t. He just...couldn’t.

 

“Rog? Oh, Roger..” Brian’s soothing brought Roger back to reality as he realized he was crying. But Brian’s concerned tone made him cry harder as his breath hitched and he let out silent sobs through closed teeth. 

 

“It’s alright, Rog.”

 

But it wasn’t. No, everything was far from being alright. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAaaaahhhhh here's another chapter that I already had in my docs!! Hope you enjoy!

When Roger awoke, he was alone in his bed, the covers bunched comfortingly around his shoulders and the same feeling of dread holding him down. He thought about his situation. He would just feel worse and worse until he told someone-- _anyone_ about it. That would be okay, right? _No._

But maybe he could just tell-- _no, no._ His family would hate him. His friends wouldn’t believe him. No one would think of him the same way for the rest of his life. His stomach lurched. He needed something to drink.

The drummer slowly stepped out of his room, looking at the clock on the wall. _Fuck._ _5:30pm? Christ, I really slept in, didn’t I…_

When he reached the living room, he noticed Freddie sitting at the dining room table, humming some kind of melody while flipping through some papers. He had on some outrageous green jacket and sporting some blue cat-eye glasses with a chain around them. He looked like a grandmother going through a midlife crisis. It was awesome.

When the singer noticed him coming in, he looked up from his work.

“Goodmorning my little Roggie. Deaky and Bri are minding the store today and I’m just finishing up some taxes we owe. Sorry we were gone when you woke up, darling. Did you sleep well? How’s your stomach feeling?”

At the mention of it, he felt his midsection tie up in knots, giving him butterflies. No, not the good kind. He shrugged, wrapping his arms slowly around his middle.

Freddie tsked, shaking his head and getting back to his taxes. “Oh, darling...I really am sorry about all of this...this really is a dreadful stomach problem of yours..”

Roger winced. Freddie was apologizing. Why the fuck was he apologizing?

Truthfully, Roger envied Freddie. He was gay. Everyone knew it. Freddie didn’t even have to traditionally come out to anybody. It was obvious; Freddie was the gayest man Roger had ever met. Freddie was content with who he was. Freddie didn’t curl up in his bed every night with a shred of doubt and guilt about who he loved. Freddie didn’t deny who he was, and didn’t pretend to be someone else either.

Freddie was Freddie. He was everything Roger was not.

Roger was different. Roger pushed his feelings away until he couldn’t even recognize himself. Roger Roger convinced the world, hell, even himself, that he was a different person. That he was womanizer, a sex freak. Even his own bandmates didn’t suspect a thing. What if Freddie thinks Roger is stealing his thunder? What if they don’t believe him? Or stop hanging out with him because they don’t want him to be a different person?

What if they could all handle one gay man--but _two?_

Anxiety rippled through him. He _hated_ lying. He hated feeling guilty. But he didn’t know what to--

“Fred?” he croaked, his voice barely a raw whisper, “t-there’s something I need to talk to you about..”

If Roger had sounded more relaxed, more content rather than sounding like he was one moment before choking on his own tongue, Freddie would have half listened, continuing to do his taxes as he heard what his friend had to say. But something about his nervous demeanor, the raw weakness in his voice, it didn’t sound like him.

Maybe this was a breakthrough of some kind.

Freddie took off his glasses and pulled a chair across from him open. “Sit, darling. Tell me what’s on your mind.”

Roger swallowed thickly, taking a shuddering breath before sitting down across from him.

“Freddie,” he started slowly, “I--”

He gasped, trying to choke back a sob, putting a hand tightly over his mouth. What the hell was he doing? He couldn’t do this. He didn’t know what he was thinking. No, no no, this was a _big_ mistake.

“Roger?”

The drummer felt his hands start to shake.

“What’s wrong?”

The dreadful, awful sinking feeling just wouldn’t go away. He jumped up from the table, feeling tears start to prick the corners of his eyes. “I-I can’t tell you! I’m sorry!”

Freddie frowned, coaxing the man back to his seat. “Roger...please, just listen. Just for a moment.”

Roger took a shuddering breath before sitting back down. He stared at the table, his blue eyes flickering with anxiety as he took his hands off his mouth.

“Roger,” Freddie started, “I’ve noticed--well--we’ve all noticed that you’ve been acting...off...Different. Unlike yourself. Like something’s been...wrong for a long time..like you’ve lost your voice.

Roger’s eyes widened.

“Looking at you these past few months, it’s like...it’s like you’ve had a pressure on your shoulders that you can’t shake off...and I don’t think you feeling sick all the time is just a coincidence.”

“So please, Roger dear. You can tell me anything.”

Roger swallowed thickly, inhaling and exhaling slowly before opening his mouth. “Freddie, I’m--”

“Are you on drugs?”

Roger was stunned. _What the fuck? They think I’m a junkie?_

“No, Freddie. I’m--”

“You’re not doing drugs? Then are you...do you have some sort of...of illness? Is that why you’re stomach is so fucked up? Oh lord--do you have something life threatening? Cancer? AIDS? Oh Roger, whatever you have, we fully support you and--”

“No Fred! It’s--” Roger felt his eyes well up with more tears. _So they think I’m sick, then?_

“What, did you get someone pregnant? Did someone you know die? Or gang violence, have you gotten yourself into something really bad? Or do you know something _terrible_ about one of us that--”

“NO!” he practically yelled, breathing heavily. Roger sobbed once loudly, rapidly shaking his head over and over.

Freddie frowned.

“Then...then what’s--”

“I’m _gay_ , Freddie!”

Roger now had tears springing out of his eyes an reaching the middle of his cheeks, his bottom lip quivering. He crumpled in on himself before choking out a much quieter, “I’m gay…”

The pencil Freddie was using fell out of his hand. Roger quickly pushed himself up from the table, angling towards the door.

But _no. Nononono no. This was all wrong. why-- why are Brian and John standing in the doorway? Why do they look so shocked?_

Roger’s breath hitched when Brian spoke, his eyes widened.

“W-we just finished closing up shop early tonight and we--” Brian didn’t even finish his sentence as Roger let out a sob, yelling, “Fuck!”, and pushing his way out the door.

“Roger--”

“Just leave him be, Deaky,” Freddie said, “he needs some time to think before we go after him. He needs to be alone for a bit.”

*****************

Roger bit his lip ferociously as tears dribbled off his chin. The clouds billowing overhead had now become heavy and rained down over the city. Roger pushed his way past people, and hiccuped softly, walking quickly with clenched fists.

The sun had recently set, the days were shorter. Roger didn’t know where he was, but all he did know was that it was getting dark. And cold.

What the hell had he done? He didn’t mean for it to come out like that. He didn’t mean for anyone to know. But of course, he had gone and fucked everything up. They all must have questions. So many questions.

_“If you aren’t straight, why did you date so many girls?”_

_Are you just doing this shit for attention?”_

_“What do you want us to say?”_

Roger sniffled. He didn’t know. He didn’t know anything anymore.

And now that the band knows, it’s just a matter of time before the managers, the roadies, and eventually the press and the fans find out.

His face was wet with a mixture of tears and raindrops, but he trudged on until he was walking on the corner of the suburbs. His shoulders were shaking. It was really fucking cold.

He wish he was sitting with Deaky, Brian and Freddie in their flat next to the warmth of the fireplace. He wished he was in their warm embrace.

He wished he loved himself.

Attempting to wipe away his tears with his soaked clothes, he shivered and hugged himself with his arms. He really wished he thought of bringing a jacket before storming out of the house.

He was fucking cold. And sad. And scared. And there was no way in hell he was going back. Not yet.

He didn’t know what to do.

“What the he--Roger?!”

Roger spun around to find a black car stopped in the middle of the road, and watched as someone hopped out with an umbrella in hand.

“Roger? Roger, you’re soaking wet! Where are the rest of the boys? What happened?”

Roger couldn’t believe who it was.

“M-Mary?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, well, well...if it isn't the lovely Mary Austin making an appearance...what an unlikely pair to be spending time together! Rog and Mary's chapter is coming soon!!
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Kudos and comments are appreciated!!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roger and Mary have a talk about some things. Roger learns that Freddie wasn't always so confident, and that who you love doesn't define who you are as a person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another chapter for y'all. It's been pretty busy (midterms, yikes!) so I've been lacking in the works for a bit. Writing about Bri, Fred, and Deaky at the moment, coming soon!

“M-Mary?”

Roger couldn’t believe it. Freddie’s best friend held a black umbrella overtop herself as she stood by her car, dumbfounded.

“What are you doing out here in the suburbs? And without a  _ jacket _ ?”

Roger didn’t really know what to say. How could he possibly explain himself. What, was he supposed to say, “Hi Mary! I accidentally came out to 3 people and ran away! How has your night been?”

Roger shivered, hugging himself to keep warm.

“Where are Freddie and the others?” she asked curiously, the headlights of her car lighting her face up. Roger flinched.

“I--” he choked out, stopping to repress a sob that almost came out of him. Mary frowned, walking closer to him.

“Are you alright, Roger? You aren’t in any trouble, are you?” The woman’s heels made small ripples in the puddles under her. Roger held his breath, feeling tears resurface.

“You don’t seem drunk...are you high off something? Do you know where you are?”

Roger bit his lip and nervously stuttered, “N-No, I’m not on anything..”

Mary bit the inside of her cheek as she watched Roger rock back and forth on his heels, his nervous demeanor making his already skinny frame looking even frailer. He opened his mouth to explain himself, but before he could realize it, quivering sobs escaped him, hot tears falling down his cold face.

“Roger…” Mary stared, her voice trailing off in confusion.

“Listen, I--” Roger stopped himself as he felt a wave of exhaustion sweep over him. He was so tired, he could barely cry.

“I fucked up, Mary..”

Mary swept back her hair and took the blonde’s quivering hand.

“Dear, why don’t you come with me for the moment?”

*************************

Truth be told, Roger never thought he would be quivering, soaking wet in the front seat of Mary’s car. And he didn’t expect her to be so friendly, either. They knew each other, but it’s not like they were very close.

The drive was mostly silent, apart from the sound of Roger’s teeth chattering. The man gave in to the warmth of her car, letting himself doze off a bit before jolting awake suddenly as the car came to a halt in front of a large suburban house with a beautiful garden and colourful door, darkened by the night.

As soon as they walked into her house, she made him strip off his wet clothes and sift through Freddie’s clothes he had left there so he could wear something warm. He decided on a pair of fluffy pyjamas, and walked tiredly downstairs and into her den.

She lent him a pair of giant fluffy socks, and lit her fireplace.

“Here, this blanket is the warmest one I have,” she said sweetly, placing a puffy white blanket over the man. Roger smiled weakly, whispering a small ‘thank you’.

She insisted on calling Freddie, which Roger nervously declined to. As confused as she seemed, Roger kept nervously rambling until, of course, lead to Roger officially accidentally coming out to one more person.

Mary was silent for a moment, the only sound being the crackling fireplace.

“So, you like men?”

Roger felt a pit of dread form in his stomach. Roger didn’t exactly know how Mary reacted to Freddie being gay, what would her reaction even  _ be? _

He didn't want to wait to find out.

“I-I’m just gonna go--” he tried to say, standing up abruptly and walking quickly out of the den, searching for his soaked shoes. He could feel his head start to pound.

Mary grabbed his arm.

“You look a bit pale. I think you need to sit down for a bit..” Come to think of it, Roger  _ did _ feel a bit dizzy, afterall. Maybe even a bit sick. He felt his breath catch in his throat as a bout of nausea overtook him.

“Mary..” he groaned, swallowing thickly, “I think I’m gonna be..”

With a sputtering cough, Roger’s stomach lurched, causing his body to thrust forward. He placed a hand over with mouth, breathing heavily and quickly.

“Bathroom. This way.” She said abruptly, almost reading his mind. She rushed him over to the restroom and he ran in unsteadily, immediately emptying the contents of his stomach into the toilet.

“M’sorry....” he murmured to Mary as she held his hair up, rubbing circular motions into his back. The two waited until Roger was positive he was done. He blankly let Mary guide him to the small couch again, letting his eyes droop and his blonde hair dry out in the heat. She put even more blankets on the drummer once they made it back to the fire place.

“You need some water.” she decided, quickly diving into her kitchen. Roger sipped his water slowly, and Mary sat on the other side of the couch, warming her hands by the fire.

All was silent again. Roger was getting nervous.

“Freddie was the exact same way, you know…” Mary finally said. Roger perked his head up.

“What…?”

Mary chuckled lightly. “He was nervous all the time. He constantly looked guilty about something, his eyes were always glassy. He was even sick for awhile, as well. He wasn’t himself, either. It was like an entirely different version of him had taken over and made him someone else. Someone that I didn’t recognize”

Roger froze.  _ Freddie not being himself? When the hell was that? _

“It was around the time you guys were writing one of your first albums. I remember, everytime he so much as  _ looked _ at me, I could see the guilt clouding in his eyes. Soon he could barely eat, barely  _ talk _ to me, and so I finally asked him about it. I asked him  _ why.. _ and he said...he said that he loved men.”

Mary chuckled.

“It was so hard for him to say. Especially to me, the love of his life. But that’s it. All that time, he felt guilty for  _ loving people.  _ Love should never be a crime. And he was  _ afraid  _ to tell me. God, Roger. He was so ashamed of it.”

Roger’s eyes widened in disbelief.  _ Freddie actually had to ‘come out’ to Mary? I never thought he came out to anyone...and he felt...guilty about it, too? Just like.... _

Mary looked Roger in the eyes, her body radiating seriousness. And hope

“This stuff is so hard, Roger. It was hard for me just watching Freddie suffer, but actually going through it at a time like this, it must feel like torture. But you’re going to feel so much better once you go back home with everyone knowing. It’s like a weight lifted off your shoulders, as Freddie referred to it as. Believe me.”

Roger felt his eyes start to water. Mary smiled warmly and pulled the blonde into a tight hug, stroking his hair.

“Are you alright?” she asked quietly.

“Thank you, Mary.”

Roger needed a break. He needed to cry, he needed a shoulder to lean on, and for someone to just... _understand._ And listen. Sometimes the band is good for that, and sometimes you need just one other person to tell you what you need to hear.

Mary’s pretty good at that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter after this! Hope you enjoyed this chapter, and hope you enjoyed the little add-on of Mary, I thought she needed a part in this too!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys reflect on what happened. Freddie goes out to find Roger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here's the last chapter. Hope you all enjoyed it!

Roger ran out of the flat, the door still swinging back and forth with the force Roger had used to open it and attempt the slam it. Brian and John still stood in the doorway, in awe.

“Did...did I hear right?” John asked quietly. Freddie nodded, picking up the pencil he had dropped on the floor. 

“Yes. I’m certain we all heard what he said.”

No one moved for at least a minute. There wasn’t tension in the room, more of confusion. Or realization. As if all of them were thinking back to previous moments in their life to grasp something,  _ anything _ , that might have hinted at Roger’s very well-kept secret.

Finally, Brian cleared his throat.

“Roger..Is he really--”

“Gay. Unless we somehow heard wrong, or Roger’s secret twin just messily came out to us and ran out of the room in a complete frenzy, then yes, he’s gay my dears.”

John’s eyes were still widened, and Brian’s jaw looked almost permanently stuck in a state of bewilderment. Freddie frowned in concern, almost pondering on what to do next.

“I need a cup of something..” John mumbled, walking over to the small kitchen to brew something. Brian followed suit and sat across from Freddie, his hands grasping his hair.

It was silent for a moment, the only sound being the shrieking kettle and the clinking of mugs from the kitchen. The silence was soon broken as John emerged with three mugs filled with some kind of herbal tea.

“So he’s really gay, then. I  _ never  _ would have thought that Roger of all people in this world fancied men!”

Brian still had his hands in his hair. He looked worried. Of course, just like Brian to be worried over something like this.

“W-why didn’t he tell us? Why didn’t he tell  _ me? _ Did he feel like he needed to hide it around us? I just don’t understand why he didn’t just--”

“--Stop that shit.” Freddie snapped, “The world has brainwashed our generation and our people into thinking that we should feel guilty for who we love. Coming out is hard, and I think we can  _ all _ understand why Roger chose to hide it. We have no right to say that he should have felt a certain way about it, we have  _ no _ idea what kind of family he came from or the way he grew up. Everyone reacts differently, and none of us can blame him for why he reacted the way he did.”

Everyone was silent for a moment. John sipped his tea. Brian sighed heavily, and brought his hands out of his hair.

“I know,” he said, “I’m sorry. Of  _ course _ I’m not angry at him. It's just...he doesn’t normally run away from stuff, and I guess I’m just worried, is all.”

“Well, it does explain why he was feeling ‘sick’, doesn’t it?” Freddie brought up. Brian raised his eyebrow in confusion.

“What does sickness have to do with...with being gay?” he asked cautiously. Freddie shrugged nonchalantly.

“I just know guilt when I see it. I was a complete mess with Mary way back in the day, afterall.” he laughed quietly, “and to think that I thought something  _ horrible  _ happened to him. I thought that me of all people would have seen this coming...the possibility somehow slipped my mind..”

John set his teacup down. “I’m sure he’s just scared half to death right now. Clearly, he wasn’t ready to tell us anything, and maybe he wasn’t in the right mindset to do so. But if anything, maybe we should go looking for him in a bit. It’s getting late.”

“Yes, maybe we should go find him? I  _ am _ getting rather worried..” Brian pondered.

“You’re always worried, Bri. And, well...I don’t think we should all go after him at once. I’d give him time to cool off first, and then we’ll start looking for him.” Freddie explained. Brian and Deaky nodded, Freddie understood the most about what their friend was going through, after all.

************************************

It’s been almost 2 hours. The three boys sat nervously on the couch, thinking that maybe, just maybe, Roger would creep through the door and they would all cry and hug and sit together in the living room and tell each other their secrets and sleep in a pillow fort until everything was okay. 

But frankly, this was the real world, and pillow forts and secrets would have to wait until they found their friend.

“Okay, it's been too long. He could have stayed at a friend’s house, but... _ who _ ?” John asked, standing up and stretching his legs. Brian shrugged, and reached over to grab his coat.

“Fred, let’s go see if he’s anywhere downtown...maybe the studio?” Brian considered. Freddie jumped up, and went to slip on his shoes and find a warm coat.

“It’s raining, still. So if he’s still outside then maybe--” Freddie was interrupted by the phone by the door ringing. He reached over and picked it up

“Hello? Mary! How are you, dear? Oh? Oh, my, thank goodness..I do hope he’s doing alright. Oh,  _ thank _ you, dear. Yes, I’ll be right over. Take care, dear! Bye-bye!”

Freddie breathed a sigh of relief, closing his eyes briefly. 

“Well?” Brian asked.

“Mary found him, and he’s with her. She said he’s calmed down a bit, but he’s still a bit on edge. He  _ was _ sick again at her house, though. The poor thing, he must be so drained right now..”

Deaky frowned. “I just want him to come home so we can...wrap him up in a blanket and make him hot cocoa...or something…”

“I agree. Let’s bring him home. I’ll get the keys, and-” Brian started to say, but Freddie silenced him with a hand.

“Well, I was actually thinking of going  _ alone  _ to pick him up. I think I need to talk to him in private, just for a moment. And I don’t know how he’s going to react to all of us going there--who knows how many people he can handle seeing right now?”

Brian looked slightly hurt, but John nodded understandingly and wrapped his arms around Brian. 

“We’ve got to think of what Roger will want, Bri.” Brian nodded, his eyes still gleaming with worry.

“Just come home quick, Freddie.”

**********************************

When Freddie reached Mary’s house, he pulled into the driveway, admiring the lush shrubbery and flowerbeds on her front lawn. Mary always loved gardening. Walking out into the light rain of the late evening, he tried to shield his hair as he knocked on the door. Moments later, the bright, beautiful woman answered. 

“Freddie,” she said warmly. Freddie embraced his friend, kissing her on the cheek. 

“How lovely to see you, my dear. Thank you for taking care of him.” Freddie whispered. She beckoned him into the front hall, where he shrugged off his wet jacket and shoes. 

“Wait here just a moment,” she said softly, walking into the living room and talking presumably to Roger. She walked back. 

“He’s in the living room. I’m going to go to the kitchen and get you something warm to drink. That’ll give you two some time alone…”

Freddie nodded and stepped into the dimly lit room, a red fireplace illuminating the cozy space. Roger sat curled up with one of Mary’s fuzzy blankets, his jacket on a nearby chair. Freddie noticed he had on some of his old clothes, and one of Mary’s many pairs of reading socks. He had a second blanket draped over his head. From this light, he looked so timid; so small. 

“Hi, darling…” FReddie said softly, walking over to the man. Roger was, for once, as quiet as a mouse. He smiled shyly, his eyes glistening with worry, red-rimmed from crying.

“Hi, Freddie.”

“Can I sit?”

Roger nodded, and Freddie melted into the soft couch to the right of the small man. He looked even smaller than usual. 

They stayed silent for a few moments. Freddie was about to open his mouth to say  _ something, _ but Roger finally starting talking. 

“Fred..” he said quietly, “Fred--I’m  _ so sorry. _ I should have told you--I shouldn’t have kept it as a secret, I just--I just didn’t know what to do--”

Roger was crying again, sniffling and trembling as he leaned into Freddie, who played with his hair and let the smaller man melt into his touch. 

“Darling, darling, it’s  _ okay _ . Don’t blame yourself for this. Coming out is hard, it’s  _ so  _ hard, and I’m sorry you had to go through it alone.”

Roger let out a weak sob. 

“I-I just feel so--unsatisfied with who I am--who I’m meant to be, and I just--” Roger stopped to catch his breath, “-I was so fed up with myself, I didn’t know what to do-”

As his breath hitched, Freddie couldn’t help but be reminded of  _ himself  _ not too long ago. How after months and months, he finally collapsed into a flurry of sobs, how he cried his heart out, how he thought his life was going to end right then and there. He thought he had no one. 

But he had Mary. He had Mary to reassure him, he had Mary to run her fingers through his hair and tell him that there was nothing wrong with love. Freddie had Mary, and now he needed to be there for Roger. 

He felt himself tear up. Just a little bit. 

“It’s okay, love. This is what growing up is all about. Realizing different things about ourselves is normal. Feeling guilty about them is what makes us human.”

It was more silence for a moment, until Freddie finally felt Roger’s grip on him loosen. Roger wiped his tears away with his spare hand, and laughed. Freddie looked at him in surprise. 

“What’s so funny, blondie?”

“Heh..I’ve just managed to make everything so dramatic, haven’t I?” Roger chuckled, the worriedness in his voice barely noticeable. 

“A proper coming out always  _ is,  _ my dear.”

******************************************

After a much-needed drink and about a million hugs, they bid Mary goodbye, and set off back to the flat. (Mary let Roger keep the socks.)

In the car, Roger stared at the ground, fidgeting with his hands. Freddie frowned. 

“Everything alright?”

Roger sighed. 

“Do you..do you think that Deaky and Bri are angry?”

Freddie almost burst out laughing. “What would they be mad about?”

Roger laughed dryly, “Oh I don’t know. The fact that I’m...you know..or maybe when I ran out on them?”

Freddie chuckled, “Darling, the only thing they are is worried sick about you. I’m sure they have a lot of questions, but they’re certainly anything but angry.”

Roger nodded nervously and Freddie put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. 

“It’ll be alright. Be brave, my dear.”

**********************************

They soon enough reached the flat, and as Freddie took out his keys, the door opened quickly, showing a worried John and a frazzled Brian. Their worries immediately washed away as they saw Roger behind the singer.

Before anyone could open their mouths, Roger dove in and wrapped his arms around them, shaking and trembling. Roger tried to talk but couldn’t find his voice. 

He didn’t need it.

“It’s okay.” Brian said shakily, and Roger noticed that he wasn’t the old one with tears in his eyes. 

“It’s okay, Roger.” John said shakily. 

And through their tears, their embrace, their friendship, Roger smiled. They all did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaaand the fic is officially finished! Sorry it took so long to upload, my computer is having some difficulties but I'll hopefully get a new one soon!!
> 
> Check out my other fics if you want more, or hit up my inbox if you have a prompt you want me to do!

**Author's Note:**

> Aww, poor Roggie, my poor boy needs to know its okay!!...Luckily for me, my coming out wasn't so guilt-inducing and dramatic. I'm lucky to have such supportive friends and family that let me be who I am without feeling guilty or doubtful and to be born in a decade that is more accepting!
> 
> I wonder what will happen next...find out soon!! Kudos and comments are greatly appreciated!!


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